Though I lack your power, I will still persist.

Yesterday my phone service got cut off for non-payment (or, more accurately, me not giving them money that I don't actually owe them, and they know this), and then this morning my phone started falling apart. And people don't believe me when I say that me and my phone aren't friends.

I'm already starting to panic about going out for a meal with my BSL classmates on Tuesday night. Big panic. Lots of panic. I can't concentrate on anything, even just learning some extra signs so that I can actually have a conversation on the night. This shouldn't be difficult - I see these people every week! I know exactly where the restaurant is! I even downloaded the restaurant?s menu so I know what the prices are like, and have budgeted accordingly... But what if they decide to split the bill evenly rather than just pay for what you order? (Take more money, take more money.) Maybe I should figure out what I'm going to wear..? I've only got to decide on a top, maybe a necklace, but I would normally have that figured out already. Maybe I could text and say I can't go? But that would look suspicious. And then people would end up asking why at the next class, and I am a terrible liar, and I'm not sure I trust them to accept "because I thought I was going to have a panic attack" as a valid reason. When did I become this person? I never used to have panic attacks about doing things like this. Not that I have had a panic attack yet, but I have been pretty close all day today, and writing about it isn't actually making it any better...

...

A change of subject, mayhaps?

I really want some of the buttons from The World Ends With You. (To be fair, I've wanted some since I first played the game, but I figured that that would fade with time - fast forward a couple of years, and I still want them.) I've found someone on Etsy who sells them in bundles of 5 and I can afford a bundle, maybe two? Anything more than that and I might as well get the super-bundle of 25, but I'm not sure there's 25 that I actually want (if someone gave me them I wouldn't say no, but there aren't 25 that I would actually buy for myself).

Anyway, I've cut the list down to 13 buttons. Out of those, I've chosen 5 that I am most definitely getting, plus another 3 that I'll be getting if I can afford a second bundle. That leaves me with 2 spaces to fill, and 5 buttons to choose from. And you all know what I do when I can't make a decision...

( Poll under the cut! )

You know, I've tried to do what my doctor says, but damn. But I swear that if my hip and back ever start playing up again, I will start using my walking stick before I fall over, and not after.

(This note is brought to you by my left foot, which is in a lot of pain after I fell over earlier when my right hip decided that putting the normal amount of weight on my right leg was a Bad Idea. Now neither leg wants to hold its fair share of weight, and the foot is swollen. I am not happy with this.)

I very rarely get just one idea for a fanwork - normally I get two at once, and they both end up being so flawed that I end up doing neither.

Just so you can see what I mean, here are the ideas I had yesterday:

( Contains spoilers for current series of Doctor Who )

Can I divorce my own brain now?

I've just seen my Grandad (and his dog) off to the train station.

Basically, he's going off to see my mother (his daughter) and that bit of the family for about a week, maybe more. Which means that I'm going to be completely alone in the house for about a week, maybe more.

Meep.

I've known about this since Sunday, so I decided to be extra nice to myself so that I wouldn't get all stressed before he left. Stress does nothing for my anxiety. Neither does the fact that I'm half-deaf and live in a mid-terrace house - all those tiny noises that come through the walls terrify me, because I can't tell that they're coming through the walls and I end up convinced that someone else is in the house. And with how bad my memory is, I end up panicking at that point because I won't remember whether I've locked the door or not. And because of some strange things going on in my brain, I will end up convinced that whoever has come through the door and is now in my house is here is hurt me.

Which is why this would be a very bad time for some bodyfail.

You know where this is going.

Basically, after messing up my back at the end of last year, my doctor told me to stop using my walking stick in January because I might "get too dependant on it" (actual quote). So I did, and I did reasonably okay without it - I couldn't do as much as I could when I was using it, but I wasn't in ridiculous amounts of pain either. Fast forward to this week. I've been into town twice this week, and my back has gone within ten minutes both times.

When I was using my stick, I could still walk when my back went. Today I had to limp in stages to the bus stop, occasionally stopping to lean against a convenient wall. Of course, I was inside one of the shopping centres when it went, and the only seating in there is in the cafes/etc. Also, the shopping centre staff don't like it if you end up sitting down on the floor outside one of the shops, no matter how close to screaming in pain you are.

(That said, the staff at Lush aren't too bothered if you just sit down in their shop, and will even bring you water if you look like you're going to pass out. A+, would collapse there again.)

Anyway, the point of this is that I was thinking (this morning, before all this happened) about asking people when the right time is to ignore what your doctor says you should do (i.e. not using my walking stick) in favour of doing what your body needs you to do (i.e. using my walking stick). Except that now that post would be useless, because I'm pretty sure I've found that point.

(Bonus useful fact #1: I didn't gain any weight over the time I was using my stick before, even though that period of time included Christmas and New Year. I have gained weight since I stopped using it, mainly because I haven't been able to do as much without it.)

(Bonus useful fact #2: I may have the world's lowest pain tolerance threshold type thing, but that might be because ( of something that is almost certainly TMI and involves much swearing )

.)




Okay, I promise my next entry will be something a little more... well, not positive exactly. But something more thinky and less ranty, because I am slightly confused. But it's not negative. Does that even make sense?

One one hand, I just wrote a post for gay_also_means_happy, which is something to be happy about.

On the other hand, it took me two hours. TWO HOURS. And that's only if you don't count the 10 and a half months I've been meaning to do it for.

*headdesk*

You know how I'll sometimes get ideas to do things, and then realise that I can't do them?

It's happened again.

Well, technically it happened last Friday, but I cannot get this idea out of my head. I mean, I cut my hair yesterday to take my mind off it, and now I'm dyeing my hair (as in, right now). All to get this wonderful idea that I can't do out of my mind.

The idea is for a fanvid.

Yes, there is something wrong with me, but we already knew that, and it's not like I haven't been meaning to cut + dye my hair for a while anyway. Also, it's a good thing I did the hair cutting yesterday, because I've been shaking like a leaf for most of today.

As I was saying: a fanvid. You know, those things I don't do because I don't have the equipment to make them. For example, I don't have a DVD drive in my computer, therefore I can't rip DVDs. And the computer doesn't have an internet connection.

In other words, I can't do this without someone sending me the clips I need through the post on CDs, and no-one in the world wants to see this fanvid that badly :(

I've noticed that, for Dreamwidth's first (open beta) anniversary, people are planning meetups. And while some people would like to go to said meetups, they can't for some reason (location, money, time, accessibility, nerves, etc).

My proposed solution: a virtual meetup!



PS: Poll is just to see if anyone else but me is even vaguely interested in this idea, and is not a binding contract - agreeing to anything in this poll does not mean that you actually have to do anything.

So, this is me in my new dress:



And this is me trying to get a better photo of me in my new dress:



Yeah, that'd be me falling over.

In conclusion, I should not try to get different angles on photos when I'm hugely dizzy. Or when I've only just got out of the bath, and my muscles are still feeling slightly too relaxed to function. Or something.


Also, those polls from yesterday are still open and I'd love it if you could take part. Only I can see what option you've chosen, for the sake of privacy (for those who aren't out/don't want the world to know for whatever reason), and I'm only doing them out of curiosity regarding what percentage of people who actually read my entries consider themselves queer (which I should have said in the post itself, and I shall go fix that). So if you're reading this and haven't already responded, please take the poll at Dreamwidth or the poll at LiveJournal (whichever you use most).