Though I lack your power, I will still persist.

I am starting to wonder if I have an overly large head.

I've been looking at summer-ish hats today, but none of the ones I've found actually fit. Apparently the phrase "one size fits all" doesn't include me. This has been an issue for years really, but I've remained hopeful in the face of a never-ending onslaught of far-too-small hats, occasionally buying one of the ones that's not quite as small as the others and ramming it onto my head in the hope that the hat will stretch after being there a while, because the pain of it being too tight starts getting annoying pretty quickly, especially when it is warm, which is a big problem when warmness and sunshine are the reasons why I would like to wear a summer hat.

This does not make me happy.

So, if you could do me a favour and fill in this poll so I can see if my predicament is completely unusual, that would be nice.

(Note: the first two questions involve measuring around your head where the you would expect the bottom part of a hat to fit. If you can't do this for any reason, don't worry, you can still answer the rest of the poll. Also, you don't have to answer both the first two questions - I just happen to know that some of you work in inches and some of you work in centimetres, and I wanted to allow for both.)

I'm slightly annoyed at myself. I promised myself I'd do 10 little tiny hats for The Big Knit this year. I managed two of them, and then realised that I'd been using the wrong size needles, and so the little tiny hats are now too little and tiny to be of any use. I was so proud of the second one as well! It didn't help that I lost my 4mm needles, and my 3.25mm needles are now about as straight as I am.

So now I have just over 3 weeks to make 10 little tiny hats that are slightly bigger than the last two little tiny hats :(

Also, question for anyone who has ever used a walking stick (or similar) and had to sit at a desk/table for any period of time - where do you put the stick while you're sat there? I've tried hanging it off the back of the chair (I accidentally knocked it off every time), laying it on the floor out of the way (my back doesn't agree with me bending over to pick it back up) and leaning it against the table/desk (tends to fall over if I don't hold onto it, which gets annoying after the first hour or so, especially if I need both hands to do something else), and I don't know what else to try.

Also also, I need some help with a writing exercise/meme-type thing. I've got a list of 21 characters that I'd like to write about more. I'd love it if you could come up with some questions about these characters for me to answer, without knowing who the characters are. For example, you could ask "What does #1 like and dislike about themselves?" or "#2 and #3 end up on a desert island together - what's the first thing they do?". I'll probably try to wait a week before posting any answers, for obvious reasons.

I've just seen my Grandad (and his dog) off to the train station.

Basically, he's going off to see my mother (his daughter) and that bit of the family for about a week, maybe more. Which means that I'm going to be completely alone in the house for about a week, maybe more.

Meep.

I've known about this since Sunday, so I decided to be extra nice to myself so that I wouldn't get all stressed before he left. Stress does nothing for my anxiety. Neither does the fact that I'm half-deaf and live in a mid-terrace house - all those tiny noises that come through the walls terrify me, because I can't tell that they're coming through the walls and I end up convinced that someone else is in the house. And with how bad my memory is, I end up panicking at that point because I won't remember whether I've locked the door or not. And because of some strange things going on in my brain, I will end up convinced that whoever has come through the door and is now in my house is here is hurt me.

Which is why this would be a very bad time for some bodyfail.

You know where this is going.

Basically, after messing up my back at the end of last year, my doctor told me to stop using my walking stick in January because I might "get too dependant on it" (actual quote). So I did, and I did reasonably okay without it - I couldn't do as much as I could when I was using it, but I wasn't in ridiculous amounts of pain either. Fast forward to this week. I've been into town twice this week, and my back has gone within ten minutes both times.

When I was using my stick, I could still walk when my back went. Today I had to limp in stages to the bus stop, occasionally stopping to lean against a convenient wall. Of course, I was inside one of the shopping centres when it went, and the only seating in there is in the cafes/etc. Also, the shopping centre staff don't like it if you end up sitting down on the floor outside one of the shops, no matter how close to screaming in pain you are.

(That said, the staff at Lush aren't too bothered if you just sit down in their shop, and will even bring you water if you look like you're going to pass out. A+, would collapse there again.)

Anyway, the point of this is that I was thinking (this morning, before all this happened) about asking people when the right time is to ignore what your doctor says you should do (i.e. not using my walking stick) in favour of doing what your body needs you to do (i.e. using my walking stick). Except that now that post would be useless, because I'm pretty sure I've found that point.

(Bonus useful fact #1: I didn't gain any weight over the time I was using my stick before, even though that period of time included Christmas and New Year. I have gained weight since I stopped using it, mainly because I haven't been able to do as much without it.)

(Bonus useful fact #2: I may have the world's lowest pain tolerance threshold type thing, but that might be because ( of something that is almost certainly TMI and involves much swearing )

.)




Okay, I promise my next entry will be something a little more... well, not positive exactly. But something more thinky and less ranty, because I am slightly confused. But it's not negative. Does that even make sense?

The first of April:
Sun shining through my window -
Has to be a trick.


I should never have agreed to a therapy session today, I have far too much to do - with tomorrow being Good Friday, I have to remember to get the basics in for the long weekend. It's not that I think that all the shops will be shut tomorrow, it's just that there will probably be a lot of people who've taken the day off and decided to go shopping, and I don't like crowds. At all.

(If I'd have thought about it, I would have done it yesterday, but I didn't remember that it was Good Friday tomorrow until last night, and that my usual getting of basics before volunteering would be disrupted because the volunteering place will be closed. Yeah.)

Also, I think that today's therapy session is the one that's meant to involve someone observing it or something? Do not want. But then, people have to learn how to do things somehow, and I felt that saying no wouldn't be fair, you know? I have decided though that, if I start getting uncomfortable with it during the session, I will say something about it then.

Saying that, knowing me I'll have got the dates wrong - it could be that the observer person is observing at a later date, or they were meant to observe on that day when we had to cancel the session at the last minute. But I know I'll feel better having worried + come up with a plan now, than being surprised later and probably having a panic attack. Because panic attacks are just not fun.

You know how I'll sometimes get ideas to do things, and then realise that I can't do them?

It's happened again.

Well, technically it happened last Friday, but I cannot get this idea out of my head. I mean, I cut my hair yesterday to take my mind off it, and now I'm dyeing my hair (as in, right now). All to get this wonderful idea that I can't do out of my mind.

The idea is for a fanvid.

Yes, there is something wrong with me, but we already knew that, and it's not like I haven't been meaning to cut + dye my hair for a while anyway. Also, it's a good thing I did the hair cutting yesterday, because I've been shaking like a leaf for most of today.

As I was saying: a fanvid. You know, those things I don't do because I don't have the equipment to make them. For example, I don't have a DVD drive in my computer, therefore I can't rip DVDs. And the computer doesn't have an internet connection.

In other words, I can't do this without someone sending me the clips I need through the post on CDs, and no-one in the world wants to see this fanvid that badly :(

Question: How do so many people have large amounts of dreamwidth invites to give away?

[Facts: I've been at DW since 1 May 2009. Since then, I've been given 8 invite codes. I was not given all 8 codes at the same time. If I had any codes left at the time that the people in charge decided to give out more, I did not recieve any more codes.

Assumption: Last fact is true for all users - other account types may have different rules.]

For the record, my weekend was awesome. It involved being with two people (and a cat who's pretty much a people) who I care about a lot, listening to Adam Lambert for the first time (while not my usual scene, I did quite like what I heard), and watching the Wizard of Oz for the first time (I've been told about the book, and I just daren't read it now), and failing miserably at Guitar Hero (half the songs I tried just sounded like noise, but my one working ear feels like it needs to pop/has water in it/something like that, which might be why), and I got a present, which I'm not going to tell you about until I can get it to work (the manufacturer seems to actively hate the idea of someone actually using this product, judging by how hard it is to open the battery compartment).

Anyway, I'm on my way home now, which is probably why the sun is shining. Seriously, not a cloud in the sky. Which is typical, considering it was raining all weekend.

Talking of sun, am I the only adult in the world whose reaction to bright sunlight is to sneeze? I've heard of kids doing it, but they all grew out of it, and I never did. Also, I'm the only person on this bus who's wearing sunglasses, which makes me seem even weirder. Except it also makes everyone around me seem weird, because this is some bright sunlight.

Oooh, wind turbines.

My therapist called me earlier (just as I was getting on the bus, because that's what Sod's Law is) to tell me that my next appointment is next Tuesday at 2:30. Or, at least, that's what I think she said. I'd better phone her back later to check. Here's hoping she won't mind.

Note: This entry probably won't make much sense. Sorry.


So, I attended my cousin's wedding, which is how I found out that she's had a baby. Baby was ridiculously well behaved for an 11 week old who was being passed around like the prize in a game of pass the parcel until about midnight.

Yes, I burst into tears part way through the night, which I blame on people not telling me about the baby beforehand. I was well prepared in advance for the whole "feeling like crap because the chances of me ever getting married are close to zero" thing (this happens to other (single?) people too, right?), but I wasn't prepared for the "feeling like crap because, as far as the doctors are concerned, the chances of me ever having those children I've always wanted are close to zero" bit. Gotta love it when that happens.

Another thing you have to love at discos - power cuts. Apparently the whole area was affected, not just our hotel, but half an hour of darkness gives you loads of time to make jokes about how the DJ caused it.

Oh, and I got mistaken for my older sister a lot, even though we were wearing completely different outfits, had different hairstyles, and her husband was with her most of the time.

Other than that, not much to report. Except that the train ride home was a nightmare (I booked a seat on a direct train, but we had to change twice due to train problems, and I couldn't hear the announcements telling us what to do, and the staff weren't helpful at all, so I had to ask other passengers for help, and I never want to have to do all that ever again, it was that horrible), but I got to find out what a caramel hot chocolate tastes like, so that made up for it.



[Locked because my family don't know about the not-able-to-have-kids thing yet. Although the ones who care about that already know that I'm queer, and probably think that the chances of me ending up with a guy are so small that baby-making won't happen anyway, but still - them finding out through a blog entry that I never expected them to read would be bad form. Also, it would mean admitting to them that I was crying, which I refuse to do, because they all think I'm insane enough without adding that to the mix.]

This is the top I'm thinking about wearing to my cousin's wedding on Saturday. Except that now I'm panicking that it's not good enough. ARGH.

( A better photo, but the top colour's not showing right... )

And what do I do when I'm not sure about something?

I have got to stop making icons. Seriously. I can't even use the ones I've made so far - I just don't have space. And the thought of no-one using them makes me sad. Because I'm weird like that.

(In case you're wondering, they're all stock icons with love/friendship themes. Thought that might be useful to know for the following poll.)

[Poll #1515538]



people made me happy by replying to the original entry at Dreamwidth.