Though I lack your power, I will still persist.

Things I have done since last updating:

( 11 March - 31 March, in about 800 words )

The last few days have been horrible. I've got the worst cold that's ever existed (I'm having trouble staying stood up for more than a few minutes at a time, and breathing is randomly difficult, but none of that is going to matter if I actually succeed in sneezing my head off (and if anyone could do that, it'd be me, as anyone who's ever seen/heard me sneeze could tell you)), I've not been sleeping (getting to sleep has been difficult because of the cold and then I've been waking up because of nightmares, and it turns out that napping while the sun's up gives me headaches, because that's all I need), and everything went so badly wrong yesterday that I'm tempted to pretend that the whole day just didn't exist. Today has only been bearable because I've been laid out resting on the sofa, playing Final Fantasy X-2 (don't ask) while dosed up on painkillers. Oh, and I had hot orange and honey (which is like hot lemon and honey, but for people who are too ill to leave the house and buy lemons/lemon juice and just happen to have some oranges lying around), even though trying to make it nearly killed me.

It's been a bad few days, and I've been pretty miserable, and tomorrow's not going to be any better - it's my last therapy session, so I have to be there whether I'm well enough or not, and I'm also worried about how I'm going to cope without therapy (I'm not lying when I say that my sessions are the only things that have kept me functional over the last 5 months, although I have come a long way in that time, so now it's just a matter of keeping that up?).

And then I read this comment.

And all I can say is thank you ♥


(PS: It's not that I don't appreciate the comments in this thread - I do, and I'll reply as soon as I can find the words to - but that anonymous one really hit me.)

(PSS: In case you're wondering how ill I am, it's just taken me over 2 hours to write this, because my brain just isn't cooperating.)

Here, have a quick summary of my week.

( Monday: Jobcentre )

( Tuesday: Therapy )

( Wednesday: Survival )

( Thursday: Shopping )

( Friday: Volunteering )

And that was my week.

You're having a bad day, everything's going wrong, and you've got the cold from hell. What do you eat as comfort food?

I'm aching all over. It feels like someone's hit me in the back of my head, and my face feels like it's going to fall off. I even had to have a proper nap earlier - with actual sleep, not just lying there resting - which is something I never do, unless I'm really ill.

So why did my brain still insist that I had to write yet another ficlet today?

I'm covered in bees!

...You know, if by "covered in" you mean "dealing with", and by "bees" you mean "the mother and father of all colds". It's the same basic principle.

My grandad keeps hinting that it might be flu. It's not. It's not because I say it's not. Or, at least, I'd say it's not, but my voice disappeared yesterday, so speaking's kinda off the table. As is typing for too long, because there's a lot of ouch going on (and half of my right foot keeps falling asleep, which I don't understand at all).

So, in conclusion: I'm covered in bees, do not have the flu, and will reply to comments and entries when I can keep hold of my phone for more than 5 minutes at a time.


(For the record, I'll concede that I have flu when it's annoying enough that I want to kill someone, but totally lack the energy to do so.)

Yesterday was a bad day.

Firstly, I woke up in pain. I'd done something to my right shoulder and neck in my sleep, which made moving them (even slightly) painful and lifting my arm above shoulder height hell on earth. Of course, I forgot about that pretty quickly when I started coughing like mad and pulled a muscle in the right side of my ribcage. So every time I coughed or even breathed too deeply after that, my ribcage would hurt, followed immediately by my neck&shoulder hurting when I gasped from the pain in my ribcage. Lovely.

Then at some point (I didn't notice when exactly) my trousers decided to get caught on something and rip. At least I know that it happened after I got back home, or that could have been embarrassing, considering where the rip was.

And to top it off, we also had no food in the house ;_;

So today we bought more food, and my granddad bought me some new trousers (the accident had left me with one pair, seriously). Which would have been brilliant, except my neck and shoulder still hurt, so carrying stuff wasn't fun at all. In fact, they still hurt now, which isn't fun either, because I'd quite like to sleep tonight. 36 hours of being awake is more than enough already. Do not want to find out what being awake for any longer than that is like, thanks.

I am so tired.

I know, possibly a pointless and really boring thing to say, right? But this is the biggest sort of tired I think I’ve ever felt. And that’s the only way I can think of to describe it.

The only other time I can say I’ve ever felt this tired before was when my mum went missing for three days when I was ten (long story, if you really need to know I’ll tell you another day). I can’t say I remember things well from that time, but it must have been day two or three. My dad had driven to mum’s work with me and my two sisters in tow. I don’t know how long we were there for, but THAT’S when I remember feeling this tired.

Worrying does that I guess, but this time I think my body’s just completely worn out. For the last two weeks, I’ve been somewhat ill. Firstly with the throat infection for a week, where I just couldn’t eat. And then with this chest infection, which I stupidly mistook for a bad cough even when it was painful, and so have made my body’s (and the antibiotics’) job of fighting it a hell of a lot harder. The only other time I’ve had a chest infection it was caught within the first two days, so making a recovery in another two days wasn’t impossible. So this time a week is my best bet, so if you find me on here within that time frame it’ll be a frigging miracle.

Okay, so most of you more than doubt that, but take this morning’s activities as an example. Firstly I got up, went to the bathroom, shaved my armpits, went back to my room, got dressed, and collapsed on the bed. The mistake was the shaving – that used energy when I really didn’t need to.

And it makes me wonder, is this what CFS is like?

I mean, I know I would never understand the extent of it unless I ended up with it, and a CFS sufferer might not be able to tell me if what I’m feeling is anywhere near what they go through, unless they had been through this, but it doesn’t half sound about right. I mean, today I want to do several things, like going to town to buy stuff. But remember what I would actually have to do to do that.

• Get bus
• Get off bus
• Walk to shop #1 to buy whatever
• Walk around shop #1 to find whatever
• Walk to shop #2 to buy other stuffs
• Walk around shop #2…
• Repeat until all stuff is bought
• Walk to bus station, carrying extra weight
• Get on bus
• Get off bus
• Walk home

God forbid that I want to eat something in town, because I just don’t have the energy today. But when this chest infection is over I will, because I truly believe that my body just wants a rest from fighting these infections, which I can’t blame it for.

But if this was CFS, it wouldn’t be over. And I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with that. Which just makes you think about the CFS sufferers that try so hard to keep in touch with people. They’re strong. Really, really strong. Because I know I wouldn’t be able to do it.

~*~
In other news, the layout is a work in progress. I’m trying to find lyrics that fit sort of fit me for this layout, and music-related lyrics for my IJ layout. Lots of lyrics. You’ll see why if I ever finish it.

~*~
jayangel, jemzamia: Here they are, sorry they took so long ;_;
http://s32.photobucket.com/albums/d48/RainSoakedAngel/Icons%20-%20TV/

~*~
I just found out about the latest on Mark Speight... ouch. I really feel for those families right now ;_;

Cramps, coughing fits, loss of voice... When it happens to me, it happens all at once XD Of course, I could be on for the next two months AGAIN, stupid PCOS symptoms -_-

But let's not talk about that!

I have got to stop saying "I've found screencaps!" and then having my storage media of choice break ten seconds later. I mean, honestly. Epsecially when I want oh so badly to have Muppet icons. Which reminds me, does anyone have any happy music that they could send me on CD? Because I desperately need some new music. 3 months with no new music makes me very sad ;_;

Going back to Huddersfield was good, even if just for a day, but now I remember how much I miss my mum and stepdad and the kids. Teaching 8 year old Becky how to play poker was suspiciously easy, even if it was just that version on Mario. And me and my mum and stepdad were swapping movie quotes and shouting "Alan Rickman" at each other all day (honestly, if you ever play the Harry Potter Scene It game, the answer will be Alan Rickman 99% of the time). And Eddie Izzard quotes while playing Lego Star Wars ("I am Darth Vader, I do not need a tray. I could kill you with a thought!") and finding a copy of "Armageddon: The Musical" at a charity shop, and getting "But it's made of honey!"* into conversations along with "Don't you know, you should always choose the lesser of two weevils!"**...

I miss all THAT. My film-geek family, I miss them so. All the quotes I know are wasted on my grandad, who tends to start singing folk songs when I'm talking to him, or decides that the dog is better to talk to than me. I guess my family is why fandom isn't such a big deal to me - I've been doing it for years.

Anyways, gtg, the internet time is over for today.



BTW kiltedmonkey/musicaldiscord: I've been in the library for over an hour with THAT bag now, and there's been no giggles or anything. Honestly.


* If anyone knows where that's from, well done!
** This one's alot easier.

I'm so tired. This stomach bug is really getting me down ;______; I need more happy things.